


december's language

by mustardbastard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Angst, Canon: Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa, Light Angst, M/M, One Year Later, POV Second Person, Pining, ROY HOLY FUCK, Snow, basically zuko just waxing poetic abt ed bc ed's been gone a year, despite what the title may suggest this does not take place during december, happy one year royed server!!, i meant ROY NOT zuko, jesus christ - Freeform, one year anniversary, royed free for all, soz if that aint ur cup of tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21741616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustardbastard/pseuds/mustardbastard
Summary: ...is imprecise grief.prompt: any type of anniversary between roy and ed, as long as it's the first year, in honor of the royed server's first anniversary
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	december's language

**Author's Note:**

> sup bitches bet u thought u saw the last of me  
> aka helo yes I am not dead
> 
> this might be a ridiculously long authors note so bear w me pls if u read them lol
> 
> happy one year anniversary to the royed ffa discord server!!! I only joined in june but I've had such a great time with y'all so far & look forward to seeing the server's second anniversary =^) it's not the 10th here yet, but eh w/e
> 
> first shoutout goes to my lovely angst wife mox for motivating me & betaing this!! <3  
> second goes to nico for being my first friend in the royed fandom & inviting me to join the server!! <3  
> & then ofc last but not least goes to everyone in the royed freeforall server!! y'all are such a great conglomeration of ppl who inspire me & I adore u guys <33 sorry I've been kinda dead/ia the past few months LOL
> 
> credit for the title/summary goes to a poem by Nelly Sachs, “Enigmas of Night." quote was originally found here https://violentwavesofemotion.tumblr.com/post/189471596167/nelly-sachs-tr-by-eric-plattner-from-the (srry, idk how to hyperlink on ao3 notes RIP)
> 
> I wrote 95% of this while at work & it's rly short & I havent written anything in a while but I hope u guys enjoy! <3
> 
> ALSO HOLY FUCK IM SO SORRY TO THOSE WHO HAVE LEFT COMMENTS AND I HAVENT ANSWERED THEM I read them all & appreciate them v much!!! im just an egg im sorry!!

A year.

It has been an entire year without him, at this point. Some days, you cannot believe that you have been without him for so long. Others, it feels as if it has been an eternity and then some that you have been bereft of his presence. But no matter how long or how short the passage of time feels to you, it has been a year since he disappeared. 365 days that you have been denied the privilege of his company.

One year.

It is mid-march; Edward would be 17 by now, close to being a man. Though truthfully, the last time you had seen him, he was a man already, in all but age.

You wonder how much he’s grown. Not just physically, of course—although you’re sure that by some Elric-brand of miracle, he’s even more stunning than when you saw him last.

But no, you are curious as to how much he’s changed personally, how much he has matured.

Is he still the same spitfire, that was just starting to temper, that you knew and grew to love? Does he still refuse to ever back down, to give up, rejecting any path that would compromise his morals? Does he still fight with everything he has, burning far brighter than any fire you have ever created? Or has he changed—become like you and so many others out there, embittered and disillusioned with the ways of the world? Is he no longer as innocent as he used to claim he never was?

Does he miss you, you wonder.

Whether he misses Alphonse or not is a senseless question—you do not have to see him to know that he misses his younger brother more than any of his limbs.

But _you,_ on the other hand, you aren’t quite sure. Before—before he had left, before he disappeared, taking all meaning from your life with him—there had been—something brewing between the two of you. It wasn’t anything, not yet at least, he too young, yourself too cynical, and both of you too focused on your own goals at the time. But it was not nothing, either. Hence— _something._

Failingly furtive glances, lingering touches, a hand on the shoulder or a fist in the collar a moment too long. Increasing amounts of time spent in each other’s company, both just sitting in your office working, in rare moments of downtime, talking, _laughing_ in even rarer moments the two of you were not arguing.

You miss fighting with him.

You miss him.

It had taken until he was gone for you to finally figure out your feelings.

In hindsight, you cannot believe that you were ever such a fool, to be unsure of your feelings towards Edward. It seems so obvious now—how could you be anything other than painfully and desperately in love with him? You must have been blind—too much of a coward to open your eyes to the truth.

And now he is gone.

And you don’t know if you will ever have the chance to tell him. But you know, at least, that he is not dead.

He may have been rent from by your side, leaving behind more questions than answers, along with a gaping hole in your chest, approximately where your heart should be—an aching wound that never ceases to gnaw at you. Melancholy has settled so far over you, that even on the brightest and sunniest of days, you cannot see the light. Without him, there is no light in your life. Some days it is all you can do to get up in the morning and don your uniform, to trudge along in the snow. 

How far the mighty have fallen.

If Edward could see you now, he’d likely scoff at how pathetic you’ve become, yelling at you for giving up on your alchemy, for giving up on your goals, and letting your former team down. You may not have the use of your left eye anymore, but you still have _‘two damn working legs, so get your ass up and keep fucking moving, you lazy bastard,’_ he’d say. You can almost hear him screaming it at you, if you close your eye and block out the howls of the wind.

But one thing keeps you going, when all else fails—keeps you from giving up completely and allowing yourself to be lost to the snow.

The hope, the belief, the intrinsic _knowledge_ that Edward is alive out there, somewhere. Edward would not die so easily and you refuse to give up on him, refuse to stop believing that he is out there, looking and fighting for a way back.

He is missing, not dead.

And so you will wait for him until the day he returns.

You have already waited one year for him—what’s another year, another two, more? You’ll wait a lifetime, if that’s how long it takes for him to come back—back to Amestris, to his brother, to home, to _you._

Until Edward returns, this desolate tundra will be your home.

**Author's Note:**

> im on tumblr @ mvstardbastard!  
> if u celebrate any of the holidays that occur this month, I hope u have a happy holiday! or if u don't celebrate, I hope December treats u well in general =^)


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